I’m sitting here with no idea how to start this blog.
Just knowing that I need to write it, to get out of my head and maybe someone else feels the same way too.
But this pregnancy isn’t progressing the way I thought it would. Don’t panic, the baby’s fine. It’s me that’s the problem.
I had such expectations for when I was pregnant. From working in the natural health industry, I thought I had it all sorted. Healthy food, lots of exercise, vitamins, etc etc etc. The weight of expectation has crushed me and the mother guilt that I thought I would be immune to seems to start the moment you see the lines on the stick you just peed on.
I feel guilty that the only food I could hold down when I had morning sickness was McDonald’s chips.
I feel guilty that I’m too tired to exercise, go to yoga, do anything besides go to bed when I get home from work.
I feel guilty that I’ve cried nearly every day for the past week, and I don’t know how much of it I can blame on normal pregnancy hormones.
I’m possibly a little too in tune with my body that I can feel every ligament stretching, every organ changing shape, every function altering to accommodate this baby and most of them make me worry.
I’m scared that if I’m uncomfortable at 16 weeks I don’t know how I will cope when I’m 20, 30, 40 weeks?
I’m scared that if I’m an emotional wreck now, how am I going to cope when it’s just me, the baby, and a lack of sleep?
I’m sick of other peoples opinions, no matter how well meaning they are, about whether I find out the sex of the baby (I want a surprise, apparently that makes me strange), the looks and comments I get if I mention I’m researching vaccination (heaven forbid I should be informed, clearly I just want my baby to die of whooping cough, or maybe just infect some other innocent cherub with it, although surely if they’ve had the vaccination they shouldn’t have to worry?!) when I should go back to work (as quickly as possible apparently, this could be more of a staffing issue rather than about me..), the sniggers I get if I say I want to try for a natural, drug free birth.
Thanks for listening. I’m trying to stop doing this in front of Virgo Man as he has no idea what to do when I cry. And I don’t like to do it over the phone to my mum, because then she feels guilty about being in another state.
Time to dry the tears and get on with the day.